Thursday, June 17, 2010

Praise the Lord and Pass the Ammunition!*

The treacherous debauchery of the BP oil spill has been under public purview since the explosion took place on April 20, 2010, about 40 miles off of the Louisiana coastline that killed eleven men and continues to kill ocean life, precious wetlands, migratory bird wildlife refuges, and an entire Gulf economy. Prior to two weeks ago, the public was lead to believe that approximately 5,000 barrels of oil a day (though the earliest estimates were set at 1,000 barrels a day) were spouting from a broken pipeline (210,000 U.S. Gallons/day). The public learned that number is much greater than it was lead to believe by BP when robot cameras, sent about a mile down to the sea floor, were broadcast live on the Internet and provided an even more startling insight.

While BP claimed it could only estimate and was unable to give an accurate portrayal of the amount of oil, all over the world, mathematicians and scientists studied the video feed. Tuesday, a government panel declared that, by their calculations, between 1.47 million and 2.52 million gallons a day are being released into the, once pristine, waters.

Scrambling to help, people discovered that human hair is one of the best ways to absorb oil. All over the U.S., people started sending in their salon hair clippings. After unsuccessfully attempting to shoot cement and mud into the pipeline to jam the 7,000 pound per square inch (psi) flow, the geniuses attempted shooting shredded golf balls and tires into the hole which, again, was a bust. By the way, the hair was never used. Alongside the golf balls, cement, tires, and environmentally shady use of chemical dispersants strewn about, BP rejected the hair, stating that it could not be used, as the environmental impact of hair was not known.

In other news, a giant, green and lavender (only upon close inspection could one notice his lovely colors) smelly-but-friendly sea monster has been spotted in the Gulf. It reportedly bubbled-up from the underground ocean of methane gas that scientists thought might exist beneath the waters. With tentacles and scales glimmering in an iridescent, black and reddish oil sheen, the sea monster, showing a strong command of the Queen's English, stated that he will gladly eat one BP executive per week until they figure out how to stop the Earth from vomiting all over all of us. Then, while facing the type of scrutiny a sea monster might encounter once making himself public, he fainted.

The Russians, accustomed to such disasters, suggested using a low-level nuclear device, a tactic they've used twice in the past. Some scientists claim that the immense heat created will literally create glass out of the sand and oil; thereby, stopping the flow. BP and the U.S. government are opposed, as they do not wish the oil to cease, but want to capture it. The sea monster is in favor of using a nuke, as he is lonely and needs the company of another beast.


  1. I don't believe it. Now the liberal media laments that we all will be destroyed by a giant fart, created from the methane released by the BP disaster. Perhaps we should look to OBomba to blame for being trigger shy on the nuclear option?

  2. LOL! That's great... does somebody have a match??

  3. I heard Willatuk was considering going down there to meet his mate!

  4. That's right, g1rlg0ne! They haven't seen each other, been separated ever since Pangea. Thanks to new GPS technology, they can find each other again.

  5. Our addiction to oil is turning us all into hydrocarbon junkies, boycott big oil at every chance. Heal our vomiting Mother Gaia,
    heal ourselves...

  6. befir the onset of "the big spill" fuel costs were rising.... why is it that after billions upon billions of gallons of crude spill into the ocean fuel has come down? are they worried people will skim the gulf and refine their own, by use of a huge "hairnet"

  7. OK, billions and billiions of gallons of crude oil have not spilled into the ocean, lowering the price. Admittedly the oil is crude and coarse and offensive. But were only talking about, maybe, in the millions. And I don't believe that it spilled into the ocean - it gushed into the Gulf of Mexico. But this is just semantics. The point Dogen makes is qute valid. Boycott. In fact, we should protest the oil industry. How about a big rally in Washington. We should all drive to DC - a road rally - meet up and boycott oil!

  8. Everyone loves oil, hell I put some on myself before getting into the sake every night. I made my money buying and selling oil my whole life. The Gulf crisis is being taking care of, we have plenty of hair and more coming. As far as the leakage goes. We had scientist come up with a seaman bubble gum compound called Guw 22, it is being applied to the shaft of the pipeline as I type to you. So we are asking you the people for all the seaman, bubble gum, and hair you can conjure up. A mother of Pearl color is what we look for in the samples received. Thank you concerned citizens, we will fix the problem with a little love from you.

    Lamar McKay

  9. While I believe in protesting and while this issue is more pressing to me than just about any in my life (sustained Gulf war, the Patriot Act and War on Terrorism aside), I feel like this is all a joke, which is why I wanted to point out the ridiculousness.

    Protesting in D.C. is waste of my gas, they're no better on Capitol Hill than the BP execs... money matters and we don't. So until there's a full blown revolution, I'll just have to sit and hope these schmucks figure it out before they kill all of us.

    And Oil Man, I think I love you... you left me speechless and wanting more, baby. LOL Thank you.

  10. Fossil fuels


    Fossils appear to be former life forms which used to be up here on the surface.

    Global warming?

    too much CO2 in air.

    desert too little carbon in soil

    Plants take carbon out of air and put in plant which dies and becomes carbon in soil.
    Oh making deserts habitable?

    Where the fuck is Chicken Little?