Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Where Zombies Go To Retire

Ah, Florida.  You're really only good for a few things- beaches, Disney, alligators and the Okefenokee, and baseball.  Let's face it though, it's really the home of rednecks and people eighty percent of the way to death.  I lived in Florida as a kid, in a place called Kendall, about 30 minutes south of Miami.  I swam with old people, day in and day out, who all seemed annoyed by the presence of a five year old (I fet like they were sucking the life out of me)- oh, there were swings too, but that was it... days spent swinging and swimming.  It sounds fine to some people.

I prefer it here in the northeast and, specifically, in my home state of New Jersey, where I have beaches, am close to Atlantic City, Philadelphia, and New York for a cornucopia of well-rounded culture and dining.  I have witnessed firsthand absurdities from those transplanted from my tri-state area to Florida (where people go to die, I repeat, where people go to die) from sub shops who attempt to replicate Atlantic City's Italian bread (sorry people, it's in the water and that stays here) to people paying high prices to overnight ship our crabs.

Florida even tried to best our zombies.

I was shocked when I read about the Florida man who literally chewed off the face of another man while high on an experimental chemical called 3,4-methylenedioxypyrovalerone, otherwise known on the street as "bath salts".  The media and authorities attempted to falsely and irresponsibly represent the chemical as a "new LSD"- their reporting is even more dangerous than the zombie attacks.  In fact, as a side note, it's disturbing, at a minimum, to attempt the pairing of LSD to MDPV, as LSD has never been the cause of psychosis; rather, research shows it fosters spiritual and mental healing from "trip" experiences in most people.  Since MDPV is a research chemical, no one can safely say what it does.  Additionally, the chemical structure of both substances is so vastly different that to make any comparison is not only a stretch, it's a lie intended to continue the demonization of a societally beneficial substance. But enough digression because this had nothing to do with drugs, clearly, zombies are the problem.

Yesterday, in New Jersey, further evidence of the zombie apocalypse made its way into national news.  A man from Hackensack, when confronted by police, took a large and very sharp knife, began stabbing himself throughout his body, and finally, when police threatened to end his self-inflicted tirade, he did what any self-respecting zombie would do... he threw his intestines at them.  Yep, he disemboweled himself and flung his innards at the police, "Take that, coppers! You want a piece of me? You want a piece of me? Here, have some..." Even when hit with two cans of pepper spray, the New Jersey zombie kept throwing his guts at the police.

Okay, Florida, you just try to compete with New Jersey, we dare you!  Your guy? Eh. What a wimp! I mean, come on, it takes a fairly lame zombie to eat someone else's face off- in Jersey, we don't mess around, we eat our own faces off! By the way, Florida, your guy is dead while our guy hangs on by a thread, I mean, by his intestines.