Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Shh, the House is Bugged... Better Call the Exterminator!

First, it must be known that the following story is 100% free of any form of fabrication or exaggeration. In fact, there are no means by which one may subjectively interpret the event that occurred. Now, I don't mean to build this up to larger-than-life proportions, because the occasion that took place on December 28, 2009 at 6:42 p.m. only lasted approximately four minutes and some of you might find this story completely unremarkable, as you might believe the same could be true for you as did the lunatic who invaded my peaceful existence on one cold, blustery, winter's night.

A phone call came-in from a number unfamiliar to me. So I yelled, "Does anyone know this number? 496-22xx?" Nope. I answered it anyway. I've been trying to be conscious and gain control of my technologically-induced, anti-social habits that often dictate whether or not I feel like answering the phone. If the Caller I.D. says something like, "Outbound Only 888-333-3333," I never answer the call out of the sheer stubbornness in believing that if someone (or entity) is going to call my home, I should be able to return the call with the number shown. Other times, well, I'm busy and I can't come to the phone, or I just don't want to talk. Right, so this time, I answered the bloody phone.


"Hi, may I speak to J, please?" returned an older woman's voice, older than mine, anyway.

"He's not available, may I leave him a message?" I politely said.

"Yes, this is So-and-So (she gave her first and last name) and I was hoping J could help me with a problem. You see, I, we, have a computer problem. Well, we think it's a computer problem. Anyway, I called the police and they said I need a computer expert to help me. J has helped us in the past and this is really an urgent matter- it's really urgent. And please, this is an emergency, it's of the utmost importance. You see, I believe my computer is bugged."

"Oh," I said, "you mean you believe there is some kind of keystroke-logging software or spyware on your computer?"

"No," she said, "someone has bugged my computer or the room and they are listening to everything that happens. My daughter, Kristen, well J knows her, she had a friend come over and he wasn't someone I trusted. I really didn't know this guy and he seemed kind of strange to me. I'm pretty sure he did it."

Someone brought out the crazy and unleashed it on me... and the only way to combat crazy sometimes is to mirror the madness.

Oh, "they're" listening to you? How dare they! You must be so scared and feel so violated! Well, you're fortunate to have called me, as my friend Moe Fullov has a company that will come out to your house with Super-Hot-Infrared-Transmitters, otherwise known as S-H-I-T, and they will scramble the signal, so whoever is listening to you, will no longer be able.

But rather than act out the fantasy of heading over to her house with metal detectors and material to encase her house or computer room in a Faraday Cage, I thought it best to run like Hell and appease She Who Howls at the Moon by saying, "I'll be happy to give J the message."

J said he's dealt with this lady before and was very grateful I lied and said he wasn't home. The next time she calls, if ever again, I will tell her that I heard Bug Spray works well, especially the kind for flying insects.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Once We Conversate, You Will Be Illumified

So, precisely one month ago, I landed a new job. It was a position for which I was overqualified and would be underpaid, but that I took because of what I deemed as being the non-profit's societal benevolence. On the second morning of work, my boss, a youngish African-American woman said in response to one of my task-related questions, "We are going to have a meeting at one (o'clock) and then we'll conversate some more." We'll do what? Do you mean converse? Oh, right, that's a brand of sneaker.

I quit that job after five days. No amount of scare tactics would work. You are lucky to even have a job in this economy, there is a 15% unemployment rate in the county. What about the holidays? You need money for gifts for the kids!

For many reasons including being too far from home and discovering, only after being hired, that I would be responsible for educating volunteers 2 nights a week, 2 months out of the year for 3 additional hours, on top of my regular work day without comp-time or extra pay, I also realized that my boss, with the same amount of education as I, was a solecist who would implacably chip away at my need to feign respect for her semblable authority.

Aside from bringing up negative feelings that made me wonder how in the Hell this woman could possibly be anyone's boss, it also had the opposite effect- I am going to conjure up my own list of bullshit words! Feel free to add to the list, but here is what I have so far:

1. Deprivate
2. Condemnate
3. Reasonified
4. Agreeance
5. Confirmate
6. Economified
7. Vocabulate and Vocabulize
8. Informate
9. Computate
10. Illumified
11. Confrontated
12. Romantical
13. Stupidify
14. Embarrassful
15. Referented

Hit me with some goodies and soon you, too, can be the arbiter elegantiarum, perpetuating and mocking the fine art of grammar.